By Coralease Ruff

Some people are reluctant and others may question why they should join a support group. A support group is a group of people with common interests, experiences and/or concerns who meet together regularly. Experienced facilitators are carefully chosen to guide, support, educate, facilitate and lead the group meetings. Support groups operate on the self-help principle, ensuring that all participants benefit from group sessions. They learn to share, survive, grow and thrive together.

Various organizations and institutions provide support groups to individuals and families for many different purposes, including specific illnesses, shared concerns and common goals. These groups operate on confidentiality and privacy principles protecting the safety of personal information. One such organization is TCF (The Compassionate Friends).

I began attending TCF in Arlington, Virginia, in 1997, one month after the tragic death of my twenty-one-year-old daughter, Kandy, in a car accident. Her death occurred in the Dominican Republic, where she had traveled two months previously, to fulfill her commitment to spend one year as a Christian missionary in a developing, Spanish-speaking country.

In the early months and years of my grief, I attended two group meetings in the same month because the group was so beneficial to me. I found the peer support to be a helpful tool in my recovery as I struggled along my grief journey. For me the sudden death of my only daughter was surreal, so I had the opportunity to tell my story repeatedly, making it more real. Sharing the pain really seemed to help diminish it.

The group also served as a sounding board. I could always find someone to listen to my concerns and my questions about “why,” both in person and on the telephone. We were not required to speak but we could just listen until we felt more comfortable in the group. However, at my first meeting, I was eager to tell my story, which was drowned out by my uncontrollable sobbing.

The companionship I experienced in the group kept me from feeling isolated and alone. In the beginning, I actually felt as if I were the only person whose child died. It was so comforting to hear others comment on experiencing some of the same painful feelings I was experiencing. When one mother stated she was having difficulty bringing her daughter’s face into her mind’s eye, I related quickly because I had that same experience. I was fearful that I was forgetting her after just a year and a half.

The group gave me the opportunity to express my feelings of anger without fear of judgment and without raised eyebrows staring back at me. Additionally, I learned that my memory loss and confusion were a normal part of the grief process and would eventfully subside. Normalizing the feelings of loss and grief is another benefit of a support group, as well as providing a reality check.

When my family and friends grew weary of hearing my expressions of sadness and despair, I could count on group members always being there to listen, discuss difficult topics and wipe away the tears. I did not have to struggle alone. In the early months and years of my grief, I never had to encounter anyone who told me, “It is time to put that behind you,” or “You need to get on with your life.” The group participants had learned that there is no template and no timeframe for grief.

Group participation provided access to important information about valuable resources such as grief books and magazines, web-based resources, seminars and the national conference. The chapter’s lending library was also a wonderful source of grief materials that fed my hunger for anything that might ease my pain. Surprisingly, group members often had answers that I needed just when I needed them.

Additionally, the social enhancement of a support group allows attendees to connect with one another. We maintained contact through our monthly newsletters, telephone friends, internet forum and mailing lists. We often formed lasting relationships, so that when one was absent another would inquire and follow-up to be sure the person was not ill. There were also opportunities for getting together outside of meetings such as an occasional cookout. Some of these became long-lasting relationships.

In some instances, support groups provide rituals and activities to acknowledge remembrance and other special days. The birthday table was especially meaningful for me as I had a chance to share my daughter’s photo and her favorite food for her May birthday. These activities did not take the sorrow away, but they surely helped to soften the hurt.

Support groups provided hope and encouragement for me and reassured me that I would get better. Group leaders and veteran grievers provided listening ears and became role models as they adjusted to living with their own losses. This is concrete evidence that it can happen. After observing the chapter leader who had lost her only daughter, I was convinced that I could learn to live again.

To my surprise, support group sessions are not always sad and gloomy places. Invariably group members do learn to laugh again. In fact, it felt strange when I first chuckled.

As a word of caution, I heard that some people feel worse after their first meeting, than they did before they came. This can happen because the discussion often stirs hidden or pushed-back feelings. However, in order to determine if the support group would meet our needs, we were encouraged to try it at least three times. It never occurred to me to stop going, because TCF was a lifeline for me. I also found that each group meeting had a somewhat different dynamic depending on the group members who were present.

Just as this support group was a lifeline for me, I felt it was necessary to reach out to help the newly bereaved who were joining the group. After some distance from my loss and a reasonable amount of healing, I began facilitating a small group. Later, I went on to become a chapter officer and established a new chapter of this wonderful support organization. Working with other bereaved parents helps me to continue my healing journey.

Support groups provide many and varied benefits, including mutual support, understanding and acceptance, a sounding board, non-judgmental listening, an information source, validation of feelings, and role modeling. Compassionate Friends has provided all of these benefits, and more, for me.